Ever look up into the starry sky and become uneasy, realizing that there could be something lurking out there, waiting for the chance to get at you? Are you terrified of the monsters dwelling in the great unknown? Well you should be! It’s Debate Day here on Trope & Dagger, and today we’re picking sides on the Best Evil Movie Alien ever! To read up on Andy’s hilariously wrong pick, go here: The Thing: The Most Evillest Movie Alien. Now, let me tell you why I’m right!
WARNING!!! This post is rated R for Really graphic content! If you are squeamish or made uncomfortable by brutal, sexual, violent, and a mixture of all three, imagery, I recommend not continuing onward! There is a reason this is the most evil alien in film! Also, spoilers for the movie Alien. OK, WARNING over.
Ever since it came out in 1979, there has been one creature that has been synonymous with the word “alien”:
The Xenomorph. Never named such in the film, known only as the “creature” or “alien” by the poor people that it is terrorizing, the Xenomorph is truly the best movie alien ever to traumatize audiences. From the very first time that it appears on screen, it really is the most horrific thing that one could imagine a monster from space to be.
We all remember the first time that we see a Xenomorph in Alien, as it violently bursts through Kane’s chest. It was shocking and gruesome, watching this small creature force its way out of the poor man’s abdomen. At first it’s unclear what is even going on, and everyone thinks that perhaps Kane is simply sick or having some sort of reaction to the ordeal he went through with the facehugger (the truly frightening first stage of the Xenomorph’s life cycle), but it quickly becomes obvious that something is desperately forcing its way out of him. Blood splatters over the petrified crew as their friend dies, murdered by a small monster now protruding from his chest. This is our first exposure to the second stage of the Xenomorph, and even as a newborn, it is the scariest thing one could imagine. A phallus-shaped monster has just murdered the crew’s friend, sitting obscenely in his open chest, and it appears to be sizing up the rest of them before it runs off lightning quick and disappears into the ship.
HOLY SHIT. What a first impression! A parasitic, murderous monster is now loose on their ship, and the crew could not be more confused or afraid, and rightfully so.
Then the next time they see the Xenomorph, several hours later, the damn thing has grown to human-size! This alien does not fuck around when it comes to being the perfect killing machine. Every single stage of its life is primed for murder, and it goes from what is possibly its one vulnerable stage to fully grown in a matter of hours. Now there is a man-sized murder machine loose on their ship, several crew members have died already, and because the damn thing bleeds acid, so they can’t even shoot it without killing themselves in the vacuum of space. Even if you hurt the Xenomorph, it’s still going to get you, either by splashing you with acid or ruining your spaceship so you asphyxiate and die.
Let’s have another look at the adult Xenomorph, shall we?
Fuck me, who saw that coming?! This thing hits all the buttons when it comes to frightening humans. Not only is it a bastardization of our own bodies, having taken on a semi-human form, it replaces a human head with an eyeless monster penis head that holds not one, but two sets of killer jaws. If you see that thing coming at you, all your nightmares have come true. It doesn’t just bite you to kill you, it penetrates you with that second set of teeth, cutting and plunging into a person while they are powerless to stop it. I mean, I’m making myself uncomfortable just writing about it.
Beyond simply being a machine of death, the Xenomorph is cunning. It doesn’t just go after the crew, it stalks them, hunts them, waits until they are the most vulnerable and then strikes! It may seem like a mindless beast, but it is a cunning nightmare, embodying everything that people are afraid of, that knows how to get at its supposedly more intelligent prey. Even when they go after it in a confined space with a flamethrower that floods the entire area with flame, it still manages to prevail and kill the human.
This thing, from the beginning of it’s life cycle, is everything that is terrifying to humans. It starts off as a vagina with spider legs that rapes faces, then turns into a penis that murders its host from the inside out, then turns into an even bigger penis that that will punch into your brain with its secondary razor-toothed mouth penis!
This thing eventually kills the entire crew of the Nostromo, save for Ripley, who destroys the ship in an attempt to stop the Xenomorph, but do you really think that it didn’t see that coming? Of course it did, which is why it’s waiting aboard Ripley’s escape pod! The only way that Ripley can FINALLY kill this one Xenomorph is opening the airlock and blasting it into space, and that just barely works.
The Xenomorph is truly what nightmares are made of. It reduces us humans, with all our intelligence, all or technology, all our supposed superiority, to frightened children. When there is a Xenomorph around, all that a human can do is hope and pray that it doesn’t pick them to stalk and kill next. Because if it does, there is no escape. The Xenomorph will find you and you will die screaming. Because that is the Xenomorph’s purpose, and it has perfected its purpose. Some aliens might take bodies, some aliens might level civilizations, some aliens might anally probe you. The Xenomorph, however, is the worst of all those things combined. A rapist, a destroyer of society, a perversion of humanity, it is truly an unsettling and monstrous creature, and the pinnacle of evil in the galaxy.
So what do you think? Do you agree with Andy or Aaron on this topic? Take our poll to weigh in!